Positively Pregnant


After wearing a panty liner for a few days following some spotting, it didn’t appear that Aunt Flo would be coming for her monthly visit after all. Could it have finally happened? Could I really be pregnant? Could I have mastered my fertility?
I told my husband I was feeling unusually tired—one of the key indicators of pregnancy. Only problem, I had told him I was feeling unusually tired once a month for the past eight, and it always ended the same—extremely hormonal and bleeding. So, my husband gave me, the girl who cried pregnancy, no sympathy.
I felt this time was different though, so after a few days I decided to take a pregnancy test, or three. I could not believe my eyes when not one but TWO lines appeared on all three of the tests—a positive result! But, when I compared the lines to the lines on the applicator box, mine were much more faint. Since I now equated lighter lines with pathetic fertility, I did not feel confident with my positive, yet dim, results. I lined up the positive pregnancy tests and texted a picture to my girlfriend with the question, “Do you think I’m pregnant? Or are the lines too faint?”
She seemed to believe I was, in deed, pregnant because she immediately texted back, “You’re fucked, your life is over.”
She’s the mother of an energetic three-year-old little boy, and despite her very enthusiastic affirmation of my pregnancy, I still wasn’t convinced. The dullness worried me. What did it mean? Did it mean my child would be dull? Maybe a mute albino? I grabbed my keys and headed out to Walgreens to buy another package of tests.

Preparing to Breed


As my husband and I prepared to breed, I discovered fascinating things about the female anatomy. To start, in order to get pregnant you must first be fertile and in order to be fertile you must first have regular cycles, or at least one (at all). You see, after I tossed out my trusty birth control, I didn’t get a period for eight months.
Month after month I’d think I was feeling the twinge of cramps headed my way; I’d swear my mood was shifting to the dark side of the moon; I’d prepare for my cycle’s arrival like a tween—rolling out the panty liner with great anticipation. But month after month, the dreaded week on the calendar came and went and nothing. The cramps turned out to just be gas and my bitchy attitude turned out to be au naturel.
Any point prior, I would have welcomed an eight-month retreat from cramps and bloating, but when you’re trying to get the baby-making machine cranking, lack of blood is not ideal. I won’t name names, but my mother suggested I might be in ‘perimenopause,’ AKA premature menopause. I immediately started counting my wrinkles, followed by hunting for gray hairs. Maybe 35 is old, I thought. Maybe I missed my window. Her diagnosis obviously sent me spinning, so I finally made an appointment with my OB-GYN.

My Pregnancy Anxiety Report

* A Friend Asked if I'm Anxious to Have a Newborn Baby Edition * 


I responded, "No I'm only anxious to...


1. Bathe her...




2. ...dress her...




3. ...and hold her"





My Pregnancy Anxiety Report


*Bodily Damage Edition*

TOP 3 TRIGGERS: 

1. Piercing nipple pain.

2. Weird leg sweats at night that were supposed to end in my 1st trimester, but are extending well into my 2nd trimester.

3. Already back up to my drinking weight.

My Pregnancy Anxiety Report


* Preparation-B Edition *


TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Being given more baby books to read than the total number I’ve read in my entire life.

2. Standing in 'baby delivering squat pose' during Pre-Natal Yoga and being asked to repeatedly yell “OUT!”

3. Attending a Baby Fair with my husband, which included half a dozen booths of goofy baby photographers, a booth dedicated exclusively to squeezable baby foods, and a booth with a cloth diaper demo (<- i="" the="">really
scary part is, we’re considering this option).


My Pregnancy Anxiety Report


*What’s that Smell Edition*

1. Holding breath while grocery shopping, trying not to gag as I put disgusting/routine food items in my cart.

2. Ordering the most boring entree on the menu and getting to see how people who choose the hamburger at a Mexican restaurant are treated—our server looked down on me with pity and disappointment.

3. After putting away all scented candles, because even unlit they were making me nauseous, I then zoned in on a phantom odor coming from fridge. I tossed out anything remotely questionable…husband went to ‘fix himself a drink’ but I had thrown out all of the ice too.

My Pregnancy Anxiety Report


*Finally Figured Out How to Get Pregnant Edition*

TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Taking 3 pregnancy tests that all read positive, then having to keep my BIG mouth SHUT for 12 WEEKS!

2. Nausea... night sweats... nausea... night sweats... nausea... night sweats... nausea... nausea... nausea.

3. RAVENOUS HUNGER!! Going from not knowing where any of the fast food joints in Nashville were, to my husband finding wrappers in the garbage from ALL of them. Then, during a Thai food binge at a local establishment, I felt it necessary to explain to my sweet waitress that the reason I ordered so much food was because "I was growing a baby in my belly." She looked at me, then down at my ringless finger (I had forgotten to wear my wedding band), then rubbed my back and asked "and is this (pregnancy) a happy thing?"

My Anxiety Report

*Ovulation Edition*
TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Assessing fertility situation...first method—Fertility Strips—pee on a little stick every day for 30 days or until you see two dark lines; then BINGO, it's baby making time. But, all the lines looked the same color to me. Didn't realize I needed to be a Scientist to get pregnant.

2. Shelled out a little more money to try the fertility for dummies option—a Digital Ovulation Test (Happy Face = positive). Clear Blue EASY my ass...a two-part contraption I have to assemble at 6 a.m. when I have to pee super bad is not that easy.

3. Trying yet another technique—a Basal Thermometer. My temperature continues to read below normal range for human beings, plus I freaked out my hubby because he thought I stick it up my vagina.

My Anxiety Report

*Nail Biting Research Edition*


TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Realizing after 20+ years of compulsive nail biting, which gave me the nickname "Fingers" and a blog named "The Nail Biter" ... I may have a real problem on my hands

2. Obsessively Googling research studies done on the subject and discovering the medical community now considers nail biting an OCD behavior.

2. Suggested cures: Chew gum, get a manicure, see a shrink.

I'm screwed

My Anxiety Report


*Hipster Hair Vs. Republican Mom Edition*


TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Anticipating mom's reaction to my new 'ombre' hair color, which starts off dark at the top and fades to light (that's not a shadow in the photo)

2. Mom's response upon seeing me at baggage claim: "What's wrong with your hair? Why do you have roots? Let's get you to a salon!"

3. Mom's reaction after I explained the situation and gave her time to process, "It's just not blonde ENOUGH." 



My Anxiety Report




*XMAS: Hiding From 3-Year-Old Nephew Edition*



TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Pretending to be all tuckered out at 9p.m. (so I could really finish writing a few stories for work), but nephew decided he was ‘tuckered out' too and followed me upstairs and made my mom tell us both a bedtime story…it did not put him to sleep, but it did me.

2. Whispering to my husband and friends on the phone from my bedroom in the morning, as to not alert nephew I'm awake… Later I had to sneak out the back door and hop the patio fence to leave for my morning run, which he naturally wanted to come on.

3. Dressing with my back against my bedroom door so he doesn’t burst in, see his aunt naked, and have to go to a kiddie therapy.

Oh shoot…he’s coming..gotta hide!