My Pregnancy Anxiety Report

* A Friend Asked if I'm Anxious to Have a Newborn Baby Edition * 


I responded, "No I'm only anxious to...


1. Bathe her...




2. ...dress her...




3. ...and hold her"





My Pregnancy Anxiety Report


*Bodily Damage Edition*

TOP 3 TRIGGERS: 

1. Piercing nipple pain.

2. Weird leg sweats at night that were supposed to end in my 1st trimester, but are extending well into my 2nd trimester.

3. Already back up to my drinking weight.

My Pregnancy Anxiety Report


* Preparation-B Edition *


TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Being given more baby books to read than the total number I’ve read in my entire life.

2. Standing in 'baby delivering squat pose' during Pre-Natal Yoga and being asked to repeatedly yell “OUT!”

3. Attending a Baby Fair with my husband, which included half a dozen booths of goofy baby photographers, a booth dedicated exclusively to squeezable baby foods, and a booth with a cloth diaper demo (<- i="" the="">really
scary part is, we’re considering this option).


My Pregnancy Anxiety Report


*What’s that Smell Edition*

1. Holding breath while grocery shopping, trying not to gag as I put disgusting/routine food items in my cart.

2. Ordering the most boring entree on the menu and getting to see how people who choose the hamburger at a Mexican restaurant are treated—our server looked down on me with pity and disappointment.

3. After putting away all scented candles, because even unlit they were making me nauseous, I then zoned in on a phantom odor coming from fridge. I tossed out anything remotely questionable…husband went to ‘fix himself a drink’ but I had thrown out all of the ice too.

My Pregnancy Anxiety Report


*Finally Figured Out How to Get Pregnant Edition*

 TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

 1. Taking 3 pregnancy tests that all read positive, then having to keep my BIG mouth SHUT for 12 WEEKS!

 2. Nausea... night sweats... nausea... night sweats... nausea... night sweats... nausea... nausea... nausea.

 3. RAVENOUS HUNGER!! Going from not knowing where any of the fast food joints in Nashville were, to my husband finding wrappers in the garbage from ALL of them. Then, during a Thai food binge at a local establishment, I felt it necessary to explain to my sweet waitress that the reason I ordered so much food was because "I was growing a baby in my belly." She looked at me, then down at my ringless finger (I had forgotten to wear my wedding band), then rubbed my back and asked "and is this (pregnancy) a happy thing?"

My Anxiety Report

*Ovulation Edition*
TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Assessing fertility situation...first method—Fertility Strips—pee on a little stick every day for 30 days or until you see two dark lines; then BINGO, it's baby making time. But, all the lines looked the same color to me. Didn't realize I needed to be a Scientist to get pregnant.

2. Shelled out a little more money to try the fertility for dummies option—a Digital Ovulation Test (Happy Face = positive). Clear Blue EASY my ass...a two-part contraption I have to assemble at 6 a.m. when I have to pee super bad is not that easy.

3. Trying yet another technique—a Basal Thermometer. My temperature continues to read below normal range for human beings, plus I freaked out my hubby because he thought I stick it up my vagina.

My Anxiety Report

*Nail Biting Research Edition*


TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Realizing after 20+ years of compulsive nail biting, which gave me the nickname "Fingers" and a blog named "The Nail Biter" ... I may have a real problem on my hands. 

2. Obsessively Googling research studies done on the subject and discovering the medical community now considers nail biting an OCD behavior.

2. Suggested cures: Chew gum, get a manicure, see a shrink.

I'm screwed

My Anxiety Report


*Hipster Hair Vs. Republican Mom Edition*


TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Anticipating mom's reaction to my new 'ombre' hair color, which starts off dark at the top and fades to light (that's not a shadow in the photo)

2. Mom's response upon seeing me at baggage claim: "What's wrong with your hair? Why do you have roots? Let's get you to a salon!"

3. Mom's reaction after I explained the situation and gave her time to process, "It's just not blonde ENOUGH." 



My Anxiety Report




*XMAS: Hiding From 3-Year-Old Nephew Edition*
TOP 3 TRIGGERS:

1. Pretending to be all tuckered out at 9p.m. (so I could really finish writing a few stories for work), but nephew decided he was ‘tuckered out' too and followed me upstairs and made my mom tell us both a bedtime story…it did not put him to sleep, but it did me.

2. Whispering to my husband and friends on the phone from my bedroom in the morning, as to not alert nephew I'm awake… Later I had to sneak out the back door and hop the patio fence to leave for my morning run, which he naturally wanted to come on.

3. Dressing with my back against my bedroom door so he doesn’t burst in, see his aunt naked, and have to go to a kiddie therapy.

Oh shoot…he’s coming..gotta hide!
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